How to Colonize the Solar System, Part III: Colonizing Earth, the Bold New Frontier

We’ve already conquered the Moon (Part I) and Venus (Part II). But what about the hardest planet of all? That’s right: Earth. Colonizing Earth may sound redundant — after all, we already live here — but if you’ve ever tried to survive Black Friday at Walmart, you know this planet is far more hostile than Venus’s sulfuric acid clouds.

Colonists on Earth face immediate resistance from the locals. They’re territorial, unpredictable, and armed with shopping carts. Anthropologists have documented Black Friday crowd behavior as resembling migratory wildebeests, except with more trampling and fewer hooves.

Forget Martian dust storms — Earth colonists must survive stampedes for discounted televisions.

A new perspective on anthropogenic global warming

Although this article may seem like an interruption in the "solar system colonization" series, you will see that this actually fits in very well.

In evaluating available temperature data, a new correlation has been found. In the graph to the right (click to enlarge), you will see the world population (human only, not including animal life) plotted (in red) along with the global average temperature anomalies (in blue) from approximately 1850 until the present day (the data is available at the Climatic Research Unit and the UK Met. Office Hadley Centre web site). The temperature data represents the "anomalies" vs. the arithmetic mean over 1960 - present (2007). The population data (available at the US Census Bureau web site) is the world population divided by 10 billion (i.e., plotted in tenths-of-a-billion) in order to fit on the same scale plot as the temperature anomaly data. Note the correlation - this is remarkable evidence in support of the conclusion that the world is being overpopulated, leading to rising global temperatures. (This theory, overpopulation leading to rising global average temperature, has recently been proposed by Ted Turner, who completed part of the requirements for a degree in economics, thus qualifying his statements on the topic.) This is in contrast to the many available charts of CO2 level vs. global average temperature, which do not show a high correlation (the reader is left to research this topic on his own).

How to Colonize the Solar System, Part II

In the last article, we looked at the moon as a potential colonization spot. This location would make an ideal staging point for further solar system (and eventual possible galactic) colonization due to the low escape velocity (i.e., ships could attain higher velocities more quickly when embarking on interplanetary missions). This time we will look at our nearest neighbor (discounting the moon, of course), Venus. (See also the Wikipedia article on Venus.)

Some will wonder if there's any possibility of colonizing a planet whose surface temperature is over 460 degrees Celsius (860 degrees Fahrenheit); which has a surface air pressure equivalent to being about a kilometer (over 1/2 mile, about 3300 feet) below the earth's ocean; which has an atmospheric density so thick that a human could actually swim through the atmosphere at the surface; whose atmosphere consists primarily of Carbon Dioxide with the remainder being mainly Nitrogen; and which has large amounts of sulfur dioxide clouds which create sulfuric acid rain. While initially daunting, there exist several possibilities for the potential colonization of this seemingly uninhabitable world. Several ideas have been proposed for the terraforming of Venus (see generic terraforming article at Wikipedia). We will eventually look at these concepts and ideas, but there is another possibility that provides a more immediate chance for colonization of this environmentally hostile world. That is a "floating colony."

Honda releases global warming vehicle

Our editors have recently become aware of a new Honda vehicle apparently designed to destroy the earth* [please visit the footnote, especially if you are offended by any content in this article], the FCX Clarity. This is a new breed of automobile, powered by a hydrogen fuel cell. The way this works is that hydrogen is combined with oxygen inside the fuel cell, resulting in the production of electric power (the desired product) and by-production of water vapor and heat. These two components, water vapor and heat, are hazardous to our environment.

2015 Honda Clarity FCV (Tokumeigakarinoaoshima) 

New Global Warming Contributors Revealed

Recent studies* have revealed additional contributors to the human-induced global warming issue. Two unlikely culprits, Taco Bell (and other Mexican-style food restaurants) and sodas, are huge contributing factors to man's impact on the environment. One scientist (an anonymous imaginary friend of the author) said, "This has gone unnoticed far, far too long; why didn't anyone else take this into account?"

Yes, increased intake of Mexican-style food (particularly "refried beans" which are a staple of a large number of Taco Bell's offerings) is causing the earth's temperature to rise. Everyone knows that Methane, CH4, is one of the greenhouse gases that is causing the recent surge in the earth's temperature (which obviously is human-induced, not at all related to the earth's cycle of coming out of an ice age). When you eat food like beans, you get gas, and you fart. And farts contain methane. Increased farting leads to increased levels of methane in the atmosphere, which leads to the earth's temperature increasing, of course (the earth, having been around for however long it's been here, couldn't possibly regulate itself in these amounts of greenhouse gases). In addition to beans, it is surmised that fried foods and onions also lead to flatulence; for some suggestions on eating habits that would help curb flatulence, see the wikiPedia article here.

Another leading contributor that has heretofore gone unnoticed is the invention of the soda. Sodas make use of carbonated water, which is water into which carbon dioxide (CO2) has been added (by dissolving under pressure or other means). Carbon dioxide is another greenhouse gas. The increasing consumption of carbonated beverages (in the US and in the world in general) lead to increased amounts of CO2 in the atmosphere (both from carbonated water "losing" its fizz to the atmosphere and through ingestion in humans, where it can cause carbon dioxide related flatulence), which in turn leads to increased global warming.

Since humans breath in oxygen (O2) and breath out carbon dioxide (CO2), the increasing population of the world must have some effect on the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, too.

Thus, there are three things that we can all do to help mitigate our impact on our giant earth and its atmosphere (all 5.1361×10e18 kg of it):

• eat less Mexican-style food
• drink less carbonated beverages
• die (of course, this also would entail decomposition after death, which would produce gases, including methane and carbon dioxide; further study is needed to ascertain whether the decomposition process would be more or less destructive to the environment, but of course since everything's going to eventually decompose anyway, not-dying may just be a stalling course of action, and the alive-breathing contribution to the greenhouse gas carbon dioxide will be allowed to continue for a longer period of time)
  

While I'm sure you'll be less than pleased with the last suggestion, the first two may actually make you healthier as well. (They would for the author.)

*Note: no actual studies were conducted; instead, this is a summarization of the author's thoughts and research based on readily available resources, and it sounds better to say "recent studies show." The reader is suggested to conduct his own research into the publicized topic of "human-induced global warming" - for example, consider this article, these news stories, and this site's information.