How to Colonize the Solar System, Part III: Colonizing Earth, the Bold New Frontier

We’ve already conquered the Moon (Part I) and Venus (Part II). But what about the hardest planet of all? That’s right: Earth. Colonizing Earth may sound redundant — after all, we already live here — but if you’ve ever tried to survive Black Friday at Walmart, you know this planet is far more hostile than Venus’s sulfuric acid clouds.

Colonists on Earth face immediate resistance from the locals. They’re territorial, unpredictable, and armed with shopping carts. Anthropologists have documented Black Friday crowd behavior as resembling migratory wildebeests, except with more trampling and fewer hooves.

Forget Martian dust storms — Earth colonists must survive stampedes for discounted televisions.