Colonists on Earth face immediate resistance from the locals. They’re territorial, unpredictable, and armed with shopping carts. Anthropologists have documented Black Friday crowd behavior as resembling migratory wildebeests, except with more trampling and fewer hooves.
Forget Martian dust storms — Earth colonists must survive stampedes for discounted televisions.
Venus may be hot, but Earth is moody. Colonists must endure hurricanes, droughts, and pumpkin spice shortages. According to NASA climate data, Earth’s atmosphere is trending toward “unpredictable chaos.” Terraforming Mars looks easy compared to trying to terraform Florida. (We’ve published several Not‑tional Geographic articles on climate change; readers are encouraged to review them for extensive personal research.) However, the greatest threats to new colonists are not environmental, but entirely self-inflicted...
Colonizing Earth requires adapting to bizarre infrastructure:
🚦 Traffic jams longer than Martian canyons
🏠 HOA regulations stricter than interplanetary treaties
📡 Internet outages that make colonists pine for the reliable silence of the Moon. (I'm looking at you, AT&T — can we please get fiber here?)
🌆 Megacity growth expanding too fast, with no escape pods in sight (we’re attempting to offer such pods through our Colonizing the Solar System series)
In addition to the bizarre infrastructure, Earth colonists must also fight over scarce resources like:
🅿️ Parking spaces
📶 Wi‑Fi bandwidth
🥧 The last slice of pumpkin pie (particularly relevant in late November and throughout December)
📉 Economists warn that global resource competition could destabilize colonies faster than any Martian dust storm
Colonizing Earth also requires specialized training, especially in the periodic event known as "Black Friday," an event of unknown origin that seeks to drain all inhabitants of every resource they have been collecting over the last 365 days. Some suggested training and equipment for this megastorm:
🧻 Protective armor: bubble wrap suits to deflect elbows
🗺️ Navigation skills: GPS calibrated for mall parking lots
🤝 Diplomacy: negotiating peace treaties in the checkout line
Sociologists compare Black Friday survival strategies to disaster preparedness — except with more glitter and fewer FEMA tents.
Colonizing Earth presents a unique challenge not found on Mars or Mercury: the planet is already crawling with indigenous life. And not just microbes — we’re talking billions of humans, trillions of animals, and at least one turkey that escaped Thanksgiving dinner.
To avoid conflict with the locals, colonists are advised to seek out the few remaining “unclaimed territories”:
Option A: The Ocean Floor
- Colonists can establish bubble‑domes beneath the waves, complete with kelp farms and bioluminescent streetlights.
- Oceanic currents can provide sustainable, environmentally friendly electrical power generation for the colonists.
- Marine biologists warn that deep‑sea ecosystems are fragile, but colonists counter that they’ve already survived Black Friday, so what’s a little pressure at 11,000 meters?
- Transportation will rely on genetically modified dolphins with built‑in Wi‑Fi, one of the crucial, life-sustaining resources in short supply. Because on Earth, connectivity is more vital than oxygen.
Option B: The Polar Regions
- Colonists may also retreat to the poles, where penguins and polar bears already hold territorial rights. Fortunately, these creatures are less fearsome than the formidable, ferocious, coupon‑clutching apex predator we call the Black Friday shopper.
- Climate scientists note that polar ice melt could make these colonies short‑lived, but at least they’ll have front‑row seats to the apocalypse.
- Colonists are advised to bring sunscreen, snow shovels, and a strong sense of irony. And maybe some Vitamin D for the long winter night (singular, since once the sun sets, it doesn't return for up to half a year depending on the exact latitude — plenty of time to binge‑watch every colonization documentary ever made).
Thus, while Earth’s surface is overcrowded with indigenous life, the ocean floor and polar regions remain the last frontier for would‑be colonists. Just don’t expect the penguins to welcome you with open wings.
So yes, colonizing Earth is possible. But it’s not for the faint of heart. Between hostile natives, unstable climate, and Black Friday skirmishes, Earth may be the least viable colony in the solar system. Still, it’s the only one with pumpkin pie.
Happy Thanksgiving, colonists. And may your Black Friday expeditions be less dangerous than Venusian acid rain.
